I have been known to burst into fits of laughter. And I just had one a second ago
By outburst I do not mean a pointed, and likely PBR induced display of happiness (usually marked by ridiculous conversation topics, bouts of full-speed running, or as I’ve mentioned, laughing uncontrollably.)
No, this type of laughter usually happens while I’m sitting at my desk by myself. It is in this position that I most often mind myself trying valiantly to sort through everything that’s running through my mind. I am wondering aloud now about the cause of this laughter, and what it means.
Today I wondered not for the first time if I might be blessed with a certain three-lettered friendship, much like other members of my immediate family. We’ve never been properly introduced, and yet I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m already fairly well acquainted with ADD. My second mother, Katie Adams says she’s always suspected it. “How else,” she asks “Could you juggle all the things you do.”
I have to admit, I’ve wondered about my sanity. At any given moment there are a million things racing around my mind. For example, here is the list of things that (honestly) is rattling around my brain right now at this moment (bear in mind that this list changes constantly). I’ll list them in no specific order, because that would be ridiculous, if they were well ordered I wouldn’t be writing this would I?
Packing for Cusco tomorrow
Writing a paper about modernism
How to create a community profile for micro loans
Sneaky little doubts about my Spanish ability
My blood sugar
I should be exercising more
How to teach rugby in Spanish
How to connect leadership development to rugby
Wondering if there is something to be said about summertime friends and schooltime friends
Thinking about costumes for swim coaches next year
Now…I understand that might just look like a to-do list, and in many respects it is. The only difference is that when I stop and breathe for just a moment, instead of being able to clear my head and relax, it gets all cluttered up with all this stuff. I am trying to think (simultaneously) of ways to advance each one of these things in my head. And herein I think I have found one of the main reasons for my bouts of unhappiness whilst here in Peru. This epiphany of sorts stems from something my father mentioned to me last night, and now I will do something that Dad told me never to do; back into a story.
This is my blog, and I’ll do what I want with it.
So we were chatting about people who didn’t grow up surrounded by talk of leadership, choices, good and evil, responsibility, character, ect. (to anyone that truly knows my father as a coach, basically the only things that come out of his mouth on a sports field) These people who are so glaringly lacking in this tutelage lack something crucial in advancing the quality of their own lives; confidence. Dad noted truthfully, that my initial depression here stemmed from the stark shift from being Mr. Everyone to being Mr. Nobody. Obviously this wasn’t truly the case, but I certainly perceived it that way, accustomed to relying so heavily on my verbal skills in day to day relations. Dad asked me to imagine that crushing feeling of social impotence without the hope that it would one day be lifted. Many people live day to day lacking the same confidence that continually allows me to imagine a better tomorrow.
I now feel almost silly having set aside inspirational quotes and little dogmas with statements like “uh, duh!” What I once regarded as cynicism could just as easily have been confidence, manifested through the assurance of ability.
Those sort of ‘self-affirming’ statements stopped inspiring awe in me somewhere around the time I left high school. However…There is a sobering difference between my response when I read an ‘inspirational quote’ and when I translate one for an impoverished, malnourished, undereducated, and yet smiling citizen here in Peru.
While my response might be something along the lines of “That’s cute…” “Of course my ‘story’ isn’t over yet, I still have to get married, have kids, retire…” “Um what do you mean? I’d much rather avoid the storm, and why would I dance in the rain? Then I’d be wet…”
I imagine the Peruvian’s response could be something along the lines of “Really? I didn’t know that…thank you for telling me.” To them it might merely represent the simple (if a little artistic) bit of truth that it is meant to be. I think that is the most significant piece of understanding I’ve come by thus far on my trip.
So, after that rather significant digression, we return to the reason for my sudden bursts of elation, and my newfound knowledge as to why they occur, and why I have been so unhappy up until now in Peru. I think I’ve been seriously lacking in confidence, so much so that it’s been affecting the way I look at the possibilities of the ‘porvenir’ (Spanish word for ‘what is to come’). In thinking about the cause of my depression, I know where the laughing fits come from. I think that they come from the sudden realization of power. It’s almost tangible, this power. It bubbles up and escapes in the form of laughter, because I’m actually so hopeful for my future it makes me gleeful. It’s not just an expression of hope for a better tomorrow, but the realization that I am well on my way to understanding how to create it.
As to what it is that’s helped put me back in the right mindset…I’ll have to wait to tell you, but suffice it to say that Pioneer Development Solutions may have found its first real project! Keep you posted